the trail

From my Tumblr:

Surely Seventeen left a trail on me.

I wonder where and how I can leave a trail.

The good break I’m having so far gives me a lot of opportunities to think things over. I say to myself, there are things you’re able to think through when you’re on break which you may not when you’re at work. When you’re on break you get to think of anything and everything. When you’re at work, there’s an automatic preoccupation.

Okay so going back (I digress yet again! Haha!), I’ve made up mind as to where I’m going to work for my first job. I’ve talked about it with my parents and I’m thankful that they support it and even encourages me and recommends agencies for me. I want to be able to hone myself by getting a good training and a considerable “breathing space”. I’m still testing the waters so I’m praying that God will be my surfboard, or at least give me a surfboard. Haha.

My decision may not be sound for others, but  just like what I said in my Plurk a while ago:

So I’m standing up for myself. Maybe my legs are a bit shaky now, but what’s important is that I’m standing. I don’t know where I’ll be heading though this, but I’ll never know unless I start walking. In the end eventually I’ll figure out if I would be able to leave a trail.

now i know

… where I really want to be. I’ve never felt this strongly about going and being somewhere. Now I just have to pray and do my best and leave the rest up to God.

I thank God for helping me realize this.

What I’ve learned is that it’s not always easy to know what we want, because sometimes we just can’t feel it for a time. Mind and heart are in battle at some point. But they will surely come to terms. Either need not to raise the white flag, but both should be able to shake hands.

faraway star

“Thinking of You” was on loop on my phone’s music player. Aha moment. I put out a scratch paper, my favorite black pentel pen, and wrote the song title. Placed my camera (her name’s Mikan, by the way) on timer, 10 seconds. I posed. This was what was captured.

I often wonder how long I’ll be like this. Thinking, missing, waiting, hoping, reminiscing, feeling, loving…

I don’t think it’s going to end anytime soon. Is it a good thing or a bad thing? I want to be over the sudden rushes, end-of-the-day kind of loneliness that creeps in whenever I remember that sometimes in life, the star we wish to fall really does fall, but  there are times that it will fall on a different, faraway place, and not right into our hearts.

I dreamed of David Archuleta

I knew it was a dream, but it felt so real. (Sobrang cheeeessssyyyyy!)

I was with Mume, Pupi and friends, excitedly standing on the “Silver Area” (in the real-life system of the ArchuCook concert, the Silver Area is for free standing), waiting for David Archuleta to come out the stage and perform for us. There were only a few people, which left me wondering why but then I got giddy in the thought that fewer people equals better chances of being able to get near him (Haha!). Finally he came out and set the stage on fire (not literally) with his red hot shirt and checkered scarf, together with dancers (I wondered what they will dance? Haha), and sings one of my favorites, “Touch My Hand”.

The middle stage is so long it extends until the standing area. So while he was performing I sat at the opposite end, hoping he will come near me. Haha. “Anak wag ka diyan!”, “Weng, ano ba?”, my family and friends were shouting. But I didn’t move. Oh well, the end of the performance came and he didn’t even leave the center stage.

After his performance, he went down the stage. Kinuyog siya ng mga kababaihan, automatic na siguro yun. Haha. It seemed that they were holding something and giving it to Archie, so I went to check out what the rave was about.

There I saw these girls holding posters of Archie – they looked like special boards with his picture smiling on a blue background. I thought they were members of Archuleta Philippines, which is the official (if I’m not mistaken) fan club of Archie here in the country.

He was signing autographs when I noticed a medium-sized chubby woman with short hair and a floral scarf. Turns out she was the one who distributed the posters on the screaming fangirls for Archie to sign. I wanted one for myself (of course!), so I asked her about it and begged for a poster, but then she regretfully told me that she ran out of stocks. She even bragged to me that she had it all printed with her own money and that that’s how much she loves Archie.

I was so close to Archie I could see drops of sweat on his forehead and hear him gasping for breath after the performance. Then I heard him whisper, “I’m so hungry”, then the stout lady in floral scarf started to rant about it. “Akala mo kung sino kang star, dapat kumain ka muna bago nag-perform. Ang mahal-mahal ng ginastos ko sa’yo…” something like that. I wanted to punch her with my sharp fist. What the f ate akala ko ba mahal mo si Archie tapos halos murahin mo na?! At that time I thought Archie is half-Spanish, so it’s possible he would understand a little of what the stout lady was screaming about since a part of our language was inspired by Spanish. But then he just kept on smiling and attended to his screaming fangirls’ wishes. I respect Archie and I didn’t want to ruin his show so I kept my burning temperature at bay.

Second and third performances were songs that are not really Archie’s in real life (most probably I just made it out of my mind, Haha).

There were several empty seats in the front so I decided to go there (kumusta naman akong anak iniwan ko Tatay at Nanay ko sa Silver Area! Haha) with a help of a deal of a certain lady who gave me a “sticker pass”. In exchange I have to give her a newspaper after the event (newspaper collector she is, perhaps?).

So I excitedly went to the second row on the right side of the stage where I saw Ecca. She was just as thrilled as I was, and I was surprised that she adored Archie too! Then at the end of the row I saw Panky and her sister (or was it Jona?).

The lights were dimmed, and on the back left side of the whole concert venue an LCD was installed. It showed a special Archie AVP which we failed to appreciate because it caused us a stiff neck.

A minute or so later, the stout lady came out of the stage to announce that the concert is cancelled (Huwaattttt???? Parang E-Heads lang ah), because Archie had to be rushed to the hospital! She did not divulge the reason; she only said that the concert would be rescheduled once Archie bounces back to health. But then she emphasized that Cookie’s concert would push through and we just had to wait for a few moments and it will begin. Hmmmm.

Everyone panicked, but Panky and I knew better, so we went to the nearest hospital in the venue, and we were right… Archie was confined there. We found the room (thanks to the dumbfounded nurse at the reception who gave us his room number – 117.) and quietly entered.

I don’t know what happened and how it happened, but for some reason Panky and I became invisible because Archie’s family and agents did not seem to notice us and his mother kept on ranting and crying the whole time. There we found out about the truth – Archie was 50-50 (Huwaattttt???? again) and it’s his father’s fault, because he was inflicted by a local disease which he passed to Archie. We even heard her mother said, “Now his spirit separated with his body…”, something to that effect. It became unbearable for us so Panky and I ran out of the room, then we saw on the window the massive amount of people running towards the hospital – it was like People Power. (Oh well, papunta pa lang sila, pabalik na kami ni Panky, haha) There we knew that visitors were allowed but only by pairs, and they had to buy “visitor’s tickets” which looked like gold coins in order to be able to see Archie in his weakest state. Now as I type this entry, I understand how they knew.

When we went back to the venue we sat on one of the back rows where our classmates (surprise, surprise!) were to catch Cookie’s performance. We didn’t want to go back to our front seats since we were not as interested in watching Cookie as we were with Archie (waha, kahit sa panaginip bias!). Panky and I did not mention to our friends the big shocking secret we found out and remained silent. While Cookie was performing we were handed out with small pieces of paper, which are actually advertisements to promote to us to study a second degree – Psychology. Turns out it was Julien’s friend who distributed it. Haha. (Calling ba itey?)

After a while, an announcement was passed to me. It came from the lady who gave me the free seat in the second row in exchange of a newspaper. She was sending out a reminder to give her a newspaper after the concert, but then the end of the concert came and I did not show up to her. Wahahaha.

After the whole event (I didn’t even realize that Cookie was through), several GMA Talents (Starstruck peeps, to be exact, headed by Mark Herras, Jennylyn Mercado, Yasmien Kurdi, and Rainier Castillo) came up to the stage (free publicity, eh?) to say thank you. Then I think it was Kris Bernal who came from the backstage who announced to everyone that she brought her sister with her and that she will lead a prayer for Archie. Kris even mentioned that her sister’s prayer has a healing power. Let me call her Santina, then. Haha. So Kris carried her (she was still little), gave her the microphone, and Santina began to pray. After the prayer I gathered with my classmates and batchmates (turns out there were several CA2 people who were there too) and took pictures.

I woke up with a headache, a feeling of wonder, and a sense of excitement. Maybe May 16 has reached the deepest recesses of my subconscious. Haha.

kabog, kilig, kirot: ang 3K ng pag-ibig ayon kay Ricky Lee

Paano nga ba na sa limang tao, isa lang ang puwedeng maging masaya, at ang apat ay naiwang devastated sa pag-ibig?

Unang basa ko pa lang ng artikulo tungkol kay Ricky Lee sa Sunday Inquirer ilang buwan na ang nakakalipas, para sa kanyang pagbabalik-eksena sa pagsusulat ng aklat, na-intriga na ko sa “Para kay B”, ang kanyang “comeback book”. Kagaya ng entry ng aking kaibigang si Marice, puno rin ng spoilers ang sa akin, para sa mga hindi pa nakakabasa. Pero sa tingin ko naman kahit na ma-spoil ka ay gugustuhin mo pa ring basahin yung libro dahil mas gugustuhin mong i-experience iyon for yourself. *winkadoodle*

Hindi ko mabilang kung ilang beses akong napahalakhak (na napatingin sa’kin ang nanay at tatay ko, nagtataka kung bakit ako tumatawang mag-isa), napa-awww, muntik mapaluha, napaisip, at napaalala, habang nagbabasa ako. Para kang nagbabasa pero kaharap ang isang telebisyon at kasalukuyang tumatakbo sa screen ang isang pelikula. Kulang na lang popcorn. Napahanga ako ni Ricky Lee dahil isa siyang mapangahas na manunulat. Lumabas siya sa kahon ng mga kumbensyon ng modernong panitikan at gumawa ng sarili niyang mundo kung saan lahat ay puwede mong gawing posible kung matalas ang iyong imahinasyon at mahal mo ang pagsusulat. Astig diba?

Nakakatuwa rin dahil updated siya sa iba’t-ibang terminologies, expressions, at kung ano-ano pang pauso ng henerasyon natin. Maalam sa gay linggo, sa takbo ng lipunan, sa mga issue sa politika at ekonomiya. At kailangan ko talagang i-special mention na naaliw ako nang banggitin niya si Bea Alonzo sa isang kabanata (medyo umasa akong si John Lloyd ay babanggitin din niya).

Form-wise at content-wise, maganda ang libro. Puno ng twists, unpretentious, at straightforward. Memorable ang mga characters, kahit yung hindi mga bida talaga (gaya ni AJ, isa sa pinaka-colorful na character na nabasa ko so far). Malamang alam mo na rin sa sarili mo ang mga bagay tungkol sa pag-ibig na nasa librong ito. Pero yun ang ikinaganda niya. Sasabihin niya ulit sa’yo, at sasabihin niya nang mahusay at maganda.

At dahil tapos na ako sa “review” ng nobela, tutungo na ko sa mas personal na komentaryo.

Sa limang kuwento na inihain sa “Para kay B”, pinakanakarelate talaga ako sa kuwento ni Irene, hindi dahil umibig siya nang di pa niya naiiintidihan kung ano ang pag-ibig, kundi dahil gaya niya, ako rin ay alipin ng mga alaala. Sabi nga sa akda, “mas matinding makaalala ang puso kesa utak”. Ang mga alaalang iyon ang, sabihin na natin, pumigil upang mabuksan niya muli ang puso niyang matagal nang kumakapit nang mahigpit sa apat na salita ng isang binata, sa may tulay, noong siya’y bata-bata pa:

“Paglaki mo, pakakasalan kita”.

Minsan din sa totoong buhay, kakapit tayo sa mga salita ng isang taong mahalaga sa atin. Maaaring isa iyong pangako, maaari rin namang simpleng mensahe, minsan nga parang wala lang eh, random lang, pero dahil nagmamahal tayo (at kadalasan din ay nagpapakatanga at nagpapaka-hopeful), iniisip nating may mas malalim yun na kahulugan, o di kaya naman, may iba pang patutunguhan.

Sa paglipat ko sa isang kabanata patungo sa isa pa, tiningnan ko kung sino ang naging maligaya, at sino ang nasawi. Ayoko kasing maniwala sa quota. Para akong sina Irene, Erica at Bessie na lumabas sa laptop ni Lucas upang mag-protesta tungkol sa kinahinatnan ng kanilang mga istorya. Hindi naman kasi natin kailangan ng statistics sa pag-ibig. Masasawi ang masasawi. Liligaya ang liligaya. Lalaya ang lalaya. At tayo ang gagawa nun. Kahit paano pa nagwakas ang kuwento mo – masaya, masakit, nakakatrauma, nakakakiliti – ang mahalaga ay nagmahal ka. Kung minsan, sapat na ‘yun para maging masaya ka.

Dahil sa iba-ibang istorya, paniguradong makakarelate ka rin sa isa sa mga yun. Mapapaisip at mapapa-survey nang bigla sa pagbanggit sa “3K” ng pag-ibig. Kabog, kilig, kirot; at kung maramdaman sila nang sabay-sabay kaharap ng isang lalaki, babae, bakla, o tomboy, isa na ‘yung sure sign na kaharap mo ang iyong minamahal. Kabog dahil ayaw mong magkamali sa presensya niya, kilig dahil sa presensya niya (ito ang tweetums na bahagi ng pag-ibig), at kirot dahil maaaring ang presensya niyang iyon ay hindi magtatagal (sabi nga sa Ingles at sa kanta ng Maroon 5, “Nothing Lasts Forever”) at kailangan mong maghukay nang malalim sa iyong long-term memory store upang ilagay iyon.

At aminin natin, para rin tayong si Lucas, dahil minsan ay may isang Bessie na hindi natin inaasahang dumating sa buhay natin at binago ito (nang bonggang-bongga). At sa sobrang tindi ng impact niya (parang hurricane, tsunami at wildfire – pero in a good way) ay makakagawa tayo ng isang masterpiece (na hindi naman kailangang libro, puwedeng special cookie, o di kaya garbage art, o infrastructure, o kung anupaman), alay sa isang pag-ibig, alay sa isang alaala.

Hindi man nagkatuluyan sina Lucas at Bessie sa huli, ang mahalaga ay hindi nagtapos ang kanilang kuwento sa wala. Hindi rin nasayang ang pag-ibig niya. Dahil sa huli, ang pagmamahal ni Lucas at ang pagbuhos niya nito sa sining sa pamamagitan ng kanyang akda ang nagbigay sa kanya ng kalayaan. Capital S man siya sa pag-ibig, at least hindi siya naging capital S sa buhay. :)

Gaya ni Lucas, sana balang araw ay makagawa rin ako ng masterpiece para kay B, ang aking OGL (One Great Love).