separation anxiety

… And I entered an art college building, with nothing but white paint in its walls. My will was running so fast my feet could not keep up, and I only got glimpses of the galleries in the first floor. I didn’t want anyone to see me. I went into hiding.

… Next, I was in our room, discovering that below our beds were hidden items which we decided to keep. Upon rummaging through the contents underneath, I stumbled upon an old perfume, half-consumed. It was one of my favorites. It must be because its old, that tiny grayish specs float inside it, and when I sprayed, those specs came out. I tried to smell the scent but couldn’t.

It was only a dream.

I looked up the meanings of some of the elements present in my dream using Dream Moods:

White represents purity, perfection, peace, innocence, dignity, cleanliness, awareness, and new beginnings. You may be experiencing a reawakening or have a fresh outlook on life. However, in Eastern cultures, white is associated with death and mourning.

To dream that you are trying to run but cannot make your feet move as fast as you want them to, signifies lack of self-esteem and self-confidence. It may also reflect your actual state of REM paralysis while in the dream state.

To dream that you are running alone, signifies that you will advance to a higher position and surpass your friends in the race for wealth. Alternatively, you may be running from some situation or from temptation. Or it may also mean that you need to hurry up in making a decision.

To dream that you are spraying or wearing perfume, suggests that you are seeking for more pleasure in your life. It is symbolic of your sexuality, sensuality, and indulgence. 

To smell perfume in your dream, represents memories and nostalgia. You are reminiscing about the past.

Yesterday I went to school after a job interview to order a temporary transcript for myself. The moment I saw those familiar greyish-beige-ish walls, I felt like I’m going to cry. Haha. No kidding. One of  the Kuya Guards in AB was stationed in the Eng’g entrance of the España gate where we (me and Clarissa, whom I knew from the interview - we had the same schedule) and he recognized us right away. “Nagtatrabaho na kayo?” “Ay di pa po, galing pa lang po kami sa interview.” And then we smiled at  each other and went.

I think I stayed in school for over three hours doing nothing but embrace its whole presence. You know where I ordered lunch? In my favorite, Ate Eva’s Grill! Haha. Ordered my favorite Tuna Steak and had mixed vegetables for my side dish. Then I bought from Tia Mia’s a bottled water. I always buy mineral water there. That’s why everytime I go there they seem to have this expression that they know what I’m buying. Haha! Students doned in their AB uniforms made me wish I had a summer class to attend to as well so I could be a student again. Ha! Ha! Ha! See? How bad I miss school, my friends, and being a student. I was strolling near St. Raymund’s Building when I passed by 3 friends (wearing civilian clothes) who looked at the walkway to the Medicine Building which is being reconstructed. One of them said, “parang dating lang nilalakaran natin yan…” Must be graduates like me.

Sixteen years of being in school… that’s not easy to let go. Maybe this is one of the reasons why I still feel as if I’m trapped in the thought that I am student and still want to be one. But at the same time I also don’t think it affects how I’m seeking my heart right now of what I really want to do with the rest of my life. I wish to God that whatever and wherever my first job will be, it’s where I really “fit”, where I could really grow, and where I could be happy with. Such a selfish wish, you may say. But this is a two-way street. If I end up where I should really be then it’s not just my growth, it’s not just my happiness, but also the company’s, and whoever we’re walking our butts for.

Maybe I just need to be a little more patient with my heart. Destiny is not mapped out overnight.

And so before I head home, I went to Lovelite and ordered my favorite Strawberry shake, then I went back to school and stayed in Quadri for an hour, writing in my tiny orange notebook, listening to my Creative MP3, and holding back my tears. Soon I’d be able to let this go. I’m just allowing myself to be cheesy for now.