what do you believe in?

In the Catholic Church, today’s Good Friday, the day when we remember Christ’s sacrifice for mankind. When I was little, and people my age (and generation? ) were also little, we used to be reminded not to play during Holy Week, especially when it’s Good Friday and Black Saturday because we should be respectful of the commemoration of Christ’s death. If we laugh boisterously we were reprimanded. It makes me wonder now if it is still the same. And it makes me wonder about the bigger picture, about how people spend their time during Holy Week aside from complaining about how hot it is (I’m guilty of that, haha).

When I got older we tend to spend the Holy Week watching films (movie marathon is the ultimate bonding time!) and when we want the DVD player to rest a bit we watch something interesting on TV. Like a while ago we watched this documentary hosted by Bernadette Sembrano about the “Peregrinos”. A group of people who are confronted with different challenges in their lives join the priests in a pilgrimage from Portugal to Spain to France. The churches are just fascinating. But of course their stories are, too. About how they were moved by the miraculous presence in the places they’ve been to. I was moved when the subjects were talking about believing that “Nothing is Impossible”. I have my own share of being a living proof of that statement. That when you really wish for something to happen, and you hold it deeply in your heart, with all sincerity and faith, it will happen. Prayer is the first step. And what you would do with the opportunity you created is the next. It’s PRAYER + ACTION, baby.

Oh well I digress yet again from what I would really like to point out in this post. Why am I always like this? I love to digress for long then snap back to reality that I haven’t gotten to the track I’d like to lead to. Haha.

I’m still absorbed about the thought of my past, present, and future, and how I’d be able to actually befriend each other instead of them hating each other (haha ang labo). Which made me think of this: the past is not really past when it still carries on in your present. And when the so-called past persists in the present, it may affect what you decide to do in the future. Oh well just another random blurting. Haha. )

I think almost, if not all, of my batchmates (not just in the same school) are also still in career limbo. “What’s Next?”, “Where Do I Go From Here?”, “When Can I Start?”, “What Do I Really Want?” can be popular titles. What really concerns me is not whether I’d get a job or not ASAP, but what field, what direction I would really like to take. I’ve tried to think it through movies; I’ve tried to think it through books; I’ve tried to think it through photographs; I’ve tried to think it through TV shows… but I know what’s most important is to think it through my heart. As they say, nothing can substitute what really makes our hearts happy. Sabi na eh, magpapaka-rockstar na talaga ako! Hahahahaha!!!

HOW WILL I BEGIN? So help me God. I don’t want to take this too seriously, nor do I want to take this lightly. After all, this is my life. And I know just like any other life, I want to make it extraordinary.

these dreams

I’ve decided to blog first before cleaning out my drawers which outside looks like it’s in pretty good shape, but when you open the boxes you might ask yourself, “has a hurricane been here?” Haha.

Even before when my blogs had different names and a different hosts, I’ve been very fond of sharing the vivid dreams I’ve had. These past few nights they’ve been really vivid I couldn’t forget them. Here are 6 of the scenes:

1. Not Another Toga-Fitting

My classmates and I, together with other AB students are jampacked inside our building’s AVR, but take note, this AVR is bigger, longer, and more sophisticated (perhaps a premonition that AB AVR will be renovated soon? Haha). In my head I knew it was the toga-fitting but nothing which relates to toga actually happened. The program consists of an activity wherein groups within each of the classes (I wonder how long the program actually lasted if I continued the dream? Haha) will perform. The faculty members were a complete attendance. Woohoo. I was groupmates with the Mokujins (minus Karl, I think) and we couldn’t decide what to do. We planned to simply deliver a song number but last minute I suggested we change it (to I can’t remember what).  We were the next group to perform and the scene was cut. (Kumusta diba? Haha.)

We were in a room, which I wonder why the lights weren’t turned on. It seemed to me an old classroom because the board was the traditional blackboard and the chairs were wooden desk ones. Sounds like elementary, eh? Our Faculty Secretary was in front and discussing I-can’t-remember-what-but-probably-it’s-about-graduation. He was unusually gentler and calmer, perhaps, getting sentimental, eh?

2. We Landed on the Eighth Floor Where I Used To Excitedly Enter Last Summer

I was job-hunting with a friend and we went to Campaigns & Grey, where I had my OJT (and the best one!!!) last summer. We submitted our resumes and Ms. Giselle asked me, “Di ba ikaw yung nag-OJT dito last year?” “Opo”, I shyly answered. “Di mo na ba ko natatandaan?” “Siyempre naaalala ko po kayo”, and I gave her a sweet smile. That moment I was really feeling shy that I went back there because I knew in reality I’m really shy to go back there. Weird noh?

Then I saw new faces, new additions to the C&G family, replacing the ones who left whom I feel fortunate to have met and worked with. I wanted to go inside, to say hi or have a small talk with my bosses, Ms. Jess and Ms. Tiff, but I felt really shy to do so. What’s with meeee???? Haha.

3. My “textmate”

I was missing dreaming about someone, so one night I prayed if we could bond in my dream for a while. Haha! I can’t believe I just said that. Haha. Anyway, I’ll stand by it and won’t delete the statement. Ang lakas ko kay Lord, coz that same night we did! But I did not see him, we were actually texting. I texted him with I-can’t-remember-what-probably-it’s-”kumusta ka na?” kind of message. Then he replied, “Weng! San ka na ba? Dito ako sa Star City ngayon with my mom.” and then he went on talking about their bump car experience and he seemed really happy. I failed to reply to him even  until the scene commenced coz a lot of people were popping up and calling my attention. Haha.

4. Thesis and Clearance Day

Our thesis adviser, Ms. Cielo Timbol-Perez, dropped by our house to ask me to do some revisions for our thesis! I think this was a Saturday and I promised to email her at most by Sunday. Then she told me when she goes to school on Monday, she can go online and check it. She then asked me the date of our Clearance and I told her it’s also gonna be on Monday, the same day wherein our diplomas and transcripts will be given. Apparently this is just a direct reflection of how much I miss school and how much I’ll miss studying.

5. Lost Memory… Card

I went into this apparel shop (which I don’t know if its really existent in the real world, haha) with our housekeeper (I haven’t seen her in reality, actually). Why my cellphone was in her hands, I can’t remember why, but what I recalled was how she disassembled the battery and the cards inside, only to tell me she couldn’t find my tinnie-winnie memory card! We were looking all over the place and I was panicking and suspecting that she might’ve taken it (waha ang bad ko!), then I started crying and telling her, “hindi ko pa natatransfer yung mga photos dun eh, tapos yung mga recordings ko, yung mga ideas ko, andun lahat….” I was crying so bad.

6. The quest for the GG band

Mume and Pupi accompanied me to the mall (It looked to me like a fusion of Victory Central Mall and Araneta Square, haha) and Pupi was excited to find me a black GG band (GG band = a headband with a big bow, call it a screaming ribbon if you want, hehe. But we knew what fits my oval face is just a thin one, so we went to the second floor. Then we saw a strangely dim shop with items on sale for P999 and below (yeah right, sale! Haha). No one was inside, not even the saleslady. I found it creepy that it looked to me more as a mystery shop rather than a hodgepodge shop, and there was a thick royal blue curtain draping somewhere in the middle, as if covering something at its back. Then the saleslady finally entered, smiled and asked us what we want, but we, trying hard not to look scared, said our sweetest thank you and left.

Then I woke up to the sound of the electric fan and the tickling sunlight of the new day.

when we say NO

When we were kids, it’s so easy for us to say, “I want this, I want that”. We are like sponges that could take in anything, only cuter. Haha. As we get older, we find out little by little what really ticks, clicks, and sticks for and to us. We get ourselves and discover the things we like, and we don’t like. Oh well someone once said, if you don’t know what you want, at least you know what you don’t want. That’s a start.

As for me, I know what I want for myself now that I have graduated and now working with my own shield and not the shield generated by my alma mater when I’m still a student. What I would really want is to have a fulfilled career that allows me to inspire people through my writings and travels (Haha too specific?). That’s what I wrote in the autobiography I made for the completion of the application form my friend M and I were asked to accomplish a while ago for a job interview. But there’s another thing that I wasn’t able to include in the two things I mentioned, and that’s music.

WRITING, TRAVEL, MUSIC. 

But oh, I digress.

Today I learned the value of saying NO. A lot of people have told me, a lot of articles have spoken to me, talking about this. When we are confronted with making a choice/decision, we take into consideration a lot of things. As for me, what I’ve always believed is that WE CAN ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING, IT ALL BOILS DOWN TO THE QUESTION IF WE HAVE THE WILL TO DO IT (I’M GONNA POST THIS FOR MY 1000TH PLURK! WOOHOO!). And that has sub-factors (o diba! Parang sub-questions lang sa Thesis! Haha), like if you can meet the urgency, meet the requirements, meet the tasks which would be assigned, etc. Albeit it would make you secured in many aspects, if you are not really prepared and wholeheartedly willing to accept it, then it would be more difficult. At that moment I realized that it’s better if you say no now than say yes now and, in Filipino, maapektuhan pa yung ibang tao dahil hindi mo mabigay yung best mo.

I appreciate and thank the opportunity.

I appreciate and thank the trust.

I appreciate and thank the understanding.

When Mume and Pupi got home, they were so excited to hear my story. I’m just so thankful that they understand. Can’t help but write what Pupi told me, “Okey yung ginawa mo anak. Take your time. Di ka minamadali ng mga magulang mo.” Awwww. It’s really a different feeling when your parents reassure you. ;D

But that doesn’t mean I would be lax and all. I just want a break. Not just a little kitkat break. But a really huge kitkat break. I would need to give this to myself so I could be able to give to others.

* * * * *

After the interview, M and I went to Eastwood:

Had lunch at Tokyo-Tokyo. Patawa lang eh, yung playlist nila eto yung mga tinugtog habang nagkukuwento ako kay M:

* “Back at One” - Brian McKnight

* “Without You” - Charlie Wilson

* Before I Let You Go” - Freestyle (at dalawang magkasunod na beses pa pinatugtog!)

Oh well, it’s Fate’s Playlist. Haha.