can you sleep?

It’s nearly one in the morning, and here are my fingers, stranded on the keyboards. In a way I’m glad that I’m not alone in this “can’t-sleep-at-night” kind of situation these days. Haha. My Twinnie, Jensen, told me that this is because we’re not yet tired (coz we’re bums! haha!) and we were so used of the school person’s lifestyle. Since I don’t want to get stuck in bed counting sheeps and all the animal population, I’ll just type away my thoughts, and just what I’ve said in my Plurk, I’ll blog myself to sleep. Hahaha! (Besides! I’ve read somewhere that if you can’t sleep, don’t stay in bed. Do something else. Let it be your lullaby, whatever that is! Haha!)

Just some random thoughts:

* I feel like I need to be more outspoken. I’m really the listener type athough I can be talkative around friends. There’s this thought that crossed my mind, that listeners could actually talk about a lot of things because they listen to a lot of stories. There’s an inner urge inside of me to be more “out-there”.

* Sometimes the anxiety butterflies still flutter in my stomach re: my chosen career path (for now), but just like what my friend Des advised me, “try everything. life is short”. So yes I will try. If I know and believe now that it is what’s good for me then it will be. And I guess it’s okay to be scared sometimes, rather than being too confident. The feeling is more rewarding when you are able to jump off from your fears (wee, that’s inspired by Taylor Swift’s concept of “Fearless”. Woohoo!.

* I think I’ve enjoyed much of my own company that I feel this time, I’m more excited and ready to be with other people. And by that I don’t mean having a boyfriend or something. As if! Haha. Now I just feel that I relish more the moments of hanging out with my family and friends or simply talking to them. Yii.

* I’ve been re-feeling my dreams for quite some time now. I know what they are, but I’m trying to rekindle my passion for them. I’ve been a calm ocean for far too long. I want to create big waves.

* Sometimes we tend to overthink, when we should have just stopped and tried to take the step and get moving. (Me, guilty. Haha.)

* I love our Plurk session tonight. On one, I said, 

“happy thoughts ang tatalbog sa Myra E at ang Fountain of Youth!” (I told this to my friends Marilyn & Maxine, on the former’s Plurk. I reposted it coz I thought it was fun, cute! Haha!)

then I went on with Maxine’s idea of naming a drug “Happy thoughts”, when I thought of,

Magbebenta ako ng mga nakalagay sa capsule bottles, tapos sealed in an orange box, tapos, pagbukas nila, walang gamot! may nakalagay lang na kasulatan sa bottom nung bottom, “happy thoughts. it’s in you.” wawawaw!

There’s something I’ve done not very recently, but still very fresh, that I’d like to keep in mind and heart always. If I was able to express myself in that situation, a very risky one perhaps, then I could pull off another one and more in the future if I want to, in other areas of my life, because I can. I can jump off of my fears, because I can. I don’t want to forget this because I don’t want to put in vain how you are inspiring me. You set me free.

Now, I can sleep. Hopefully!

the trail

From my Tumblr:

Surely Seventeen left a trail on me.

I wonder where and how I can leave a trail.

The good break I’m having so far gives me a lot of opportunities to think things over. I say to myself, there are things you’re able to think through when you’re on break which you may not when you’re at work. When you’re on break you get to think of anything and everything. When you’re at work, there’s an automatic preoccupation.

Okay so going back (I digress yet again! Haha!), I’ve made up mind as to where I’m going to work for my first job. I’ve talked about it with my parents and I’m thankful that they support it and even encourages me and recommends agencies for me. I want to be able to hone myself by getting a good training and a considerable “breathing space”. I’m still testing the waters so I’m praying that God will be my surfboard, or at least give me a surfboard. Haha.

My decision may not be sound for others, but  just like what I said in my Plurk a while ago:

So I’m standing up for myself. Maybe my legs are a bit shaky now, but what’s important is that I’m standing. I don’t know where I’ll be heading though this, but I’ll never know unless I start walking. In the end eventually I’ll figure out if I would be able to leave a trail.

now i know

… where I really want to be. I’ve never felt this strongly about going and being somewhere. Now I just have to pray and do my best and leave the rest up to God.

I thank God for helping me realize this.

What I’ve learned is that it’s not always easy to know what we want, because sometimes we just can’t feel it for a time. Mind and heart are in battle at some point. But they will surely come to terms. Either need not to raise the white flag, but both should be able to shake hands.

faraway star

“Thinking of You” was on loop on my phone’s music player. Aha moment. I put out a scratch paper, my favorite black pentel pen, and wrote the song title. Placed my camera (her name’s Mikan, by the way) on timer, 10 seconds. I posed. This was what was captured.

I often wonder how long I’ll be like this. Thinking, missing, waiting, hoping, reminiscing, feeling, loving…

I don’t think it’s going to end anytime soon. Is it a good thing or a bad thing? I want to be over the sudden rushes, end-of-the-day kind of loneliness that creeps in whenever I remember that sometimes in life, the star we wish to fall really does fall, but  there are times that it will fall on a different, faraway place, and not right into our hearts.

I dreamed of David Archuleta

I knew it was a dream, but it felt so real. (Sobrang cheeeessssyyyyy!)

I was with Mume, Pupi and friends, excitedly standing on the “Silver Area” (in the real-life system of the ArchuCook concert, the Silver Area is for free standing), waiting for David Archuleta to come out the stage and perform for us. There were only a few people, which left me wondering why but then I got giddy in the thought that fewer people equals better chances of being able to get near him (Haha!). Finally he came out and set the stage on fire (not literally) with his red hot shirt and checkered scarf, together with dancers (I wondered what they will dance? Haha), and sings one of my favorites, “Touch My Hand”.

The middle stage is so long it extends until the standing area. So while he was performing I sat at the opposite end, hoping he will come near me. Haha. “Anak wag ka diyan!”, “Weng, ano ba?”, my family and friends were shouting. But I didn’t move. Oh well, the end of the performance came and he didn’t even leave the center stage.

After his performance, he went down the stage. Kinuyog siya ng mga kababaihan, automatic na siguro yun. Haha. It seemed that they were holding something and giving it to Archie, so I went to check out what the rave was about.

There I saw these girls holding posters of Archie – they looked like special boards with his picture smiling on a blue background. I thought they were members of Archuleta Philippines, which is the official (if I’m not mistaken) fan club of Archie here in the country.

He was signing autographs when I noticed a medium-sized chubby woman with short hair and a floral scarf. Turns out she was the one who distributed the posters on the screaming fangirls for Archie to sign. I wanted one for myself (of course!), so I asked her about it and begged for a poster, but then she regretfully told me that she ran out of stocks. She even bragged to me that she had it all printed with her own money and that that’s how much she loves Archie.

I was so close to Archie I could see drops of sweat on his forehead and hear him gasping for breath after the performance. Then I heard him whisper, “I’m so hungry”, then the stout lady in floral scarf started to rant about it. “Akala mo kung sino kang star, dapat kumain ka muna bago nag-perform. Ang mahal-mahal ng ginastos ko sa’yo…” something like that. I wanted to punch her with my sharp fist. What the f ate akala ko ba mahal mo si Archie tapos halos murahin mo na?! At that time I thought Archie is half-Spanish, so it’s possible he would understand a little of what the stout lady was screaming about since a part of our language was inspired by Spanish. But then he just kept on smiling and attended to his screaming fangirls’ wishes. I respect Archie and I didn’t want to ruin his show so I kept my burning temperature at bay.

Second and third performances were songs that are not really Archie’s in real life (most probably I just made it out of my mind, Haha).

There were several empty seats in the front so I decided to go there (kumusta naman akong anak iniwan ko Tatay at Nanay ko sa Silver Area! Haha) with a help of a deal of a certain lady who gave me a “sticker pass”. In exchange I have to give her a newspaper after the event (newspaper collector she is, perhaps?).

So I excitedly went to the second row on the right side of the stage where I saw Ecca. She was just as thrilled as I was, and I was surprised that she adored Archie too! Then at the end of the row I saw Panky and her sister (or was it Jona?).

The lights were dimmed, and on the back left side of the whole concert venue an LCD was installed. It showed a special Archie AVP which we failed to appreciate because it caused us a stiff neck.

A minute or so later, the stout lady came out of the stage to announce that the concert is cancelled (Huwaattttt???? Parang E-Heads lang ah), because Archie had to be rushed to the hospital! She did not divulge the reason; she only said that the concert would be rescheduled once Archie bounces back to health. But then she emphasized that Cookie’s concert would push through and we just had to wait for a few moments and it will begin. Hmmmm.

Everyone panicked, but Panky and I knew better, so we went to the nearest hospital in the venue, and we were right… Archie was confined there. We found the room (thanks to the dumbfounded nurse at the reception who gave us his room number – 117.) and quietly entered.

I don’t know what happened and how it happened, but for some reason Panky and I became invisible because Archie’s family and agents did not seem to notice us and his mother kept on ranting and crying the whole time. There we found out about the truth – Archie was 50-50 (Huwaattttt???? again) and it’s his father’s fault, because he was inflicted by a local disease which he passed to Archie. We even heard her mother said, “Now his spirit separated with his body…”, something to that effect. It became unbearable for us so Panky and I ran out of the room, then we saw on the window the massive amount of people running towards the hospital – it was like People Power. (Oh well, papunta pa lang sila, pabalik na kami ni Panky, haha) There we knew that visitors were allowed but only by pairs, and they had to buy “visitor’s tickets” which looked like gold coins in order to be able to see Archie in his weakest state. Now as I type this entry, I understand how they knew.

When we went back to the venue we sat on one of the back rows where our classmates (surprise, surprise!) were to catch Cookie’s performance. We didn’t want to go back to our front seats since we were not as interested in watching Cookie as we were with Archie (waha, kahit sa panaginip bias!). Panky and I did not mention to our friends the big shocking secret we found out and remained silent. While Cookie was performing we were handed out with small pieces of paper, which are actually advertisements to promote to us to study a second degree – Psychology. Turns out it was Julien’s friend who distributed it. Haha. (Calling ba itey?)

After a while, an announcement was passed to me. It came from the lady who gave me the free seat in the second row in exchange of a newspaper. She was sending out a reminder to give her a newspaper after the concert, but then the end of the concert came and I did not show up to her. Wahahaha.

After the whole event (I didn’t even realize that Cookie was through), several GMA Talents (Starstruck peeps, to be exact, headed by Mark Herras, Jennylyn Mercado, Yasmien Kurdi, and Rainier Castillo) came up to the stage (free publicity, eh?) to say thank you. Then I think it was Kris Bernal who came from the backstage who announced to everyone that she brought her sister with her and that she will lead a prayer for Archie. Kris even mentioned that her sister’s prayer has a healing power. Let me call her Santina, then. Haha. So Kris carried her (she was still little), gave her the microphone, and Santina began to pray. After the prayer I gathered with my classmates and batchmates (turns out there were several CA2 people who were there too) and took pictures.

I woke up with a headache, a feeling of wonder, and a sense of excitement. Maybe May 16 has reached the deepest recesses of my subconscious. Haha.